Les Vampires

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I never understood the allure of Twilight, to be honest. True, the historical aspects and myths of vampires is quite fascinating to me, but I don’t think I could ever fall in love with one. You can dress them up in the most attractive of packaging, but at their core, vampires are predators. They’re not using that suave and debonair charm for romance–they’re sizing you up for a potential meal. Dinner date, perhaps?

Vampires are not nice. I have never heard of a friendly, adorable, lovable, cutsey undead creature. Anyone can parody them to their heart’s content, but they are monsters. They kill to maintain their existence, and I don’t understand how teen/tween girls find snogging a non-living boy is romantic. Eww. Gross.  Not to mention robbing the cradle, are we, Edward?

I admit to watching Buffy on occasion, and the spinoff, Angel. I think what amused me was that it didn’t take itself too seriously. The Twilight stuff unsettles me, because of how passionate fans are about all of it, the romance, the (pardon the pun) undying devotion of Bella to Edward. Bella is still a teenager; she has her whole life ahead of her and all she wants is to be forever young with Edward. Shortsighted, to say the least. Girls, do you have any idea what it means to be in a long-term relationship? Married life? What if you find out that happily ever after isn’t so grand after all?

The behavior of Twi-hards is also something I find unnerving, to the point I’d consider it mentally unbalanced. Kids biting each other as a sign of affection?! Or other homages to Twilight, such as the tattoos. I saw one and I hope this gal’s boyfriend dumped her for it, because if I were a guy, I’d be freaked out myself. This silly woman got Edward’s glowering eyes tattoed on her back, with the word ‘Twilight’ below it, like on the book’s cover. That’s creepy. I could not imagine going to bed and seeing that staring at me during the night. What makes me squirm even more is the older women who are obsessed with the movies. Women who are old enough to be Robert Pattinson‘s mother who are dreaming of making out with him. Back! Back, I say! Back to your cages, cougars! Are you older women so hung up on having a second teenagerhood you get all crazy over things like this? Yeesh.

I think I derive more entertainment from mocking Twilight than actually being a fan. I have 3/4 of the saga, because I take perverse pleasure in reading extremely bad romance. The worse the writing, the better, and I get a charge out of reading aloud with others. It’s like Mad Libs; you should try it sometime. Using strange accents is optional. I also created a Twilight-themed necklace (which someday I’ll have a picture of). It has all kinds of charms that relate to things in the novels, and it took me a while to put it all together. I referenced the book for some of those images. I would not be caught dead wearing it, but I am fairly certain there would be someone out there who would. I did it mainly for laughs, but my mom knew several women who would be interested.

The final thing that drives me nuts, as well as many others is the music. I consider myself a devoted fan of Muse, and the author of the Twilight books thinks she is a fan too. Musers (us Muse fans) are NOT amused. Okay, I had to throw that pun in there. If you want to see outraged Musers take on Twi-hards, go visit YouTube and look up the music videos. They take a fabulous song like ‘Supermassive Black Hole‘ and pair it up to a fawning, sugar-coated montage of movie clips. I wanted to vomit. And they used other songs too, like ‘Starlight’! It was utterly obnoxious. I was pleased that some Musers chose to vent their spleen on the fan videos. It frustrates us Muse fans because we get lumped in with the silly Twi-hards, and I most certainly do not consider myself one of that ilk. Growr. Rather annoyed that Twilight stole my enjoyment of Debussy as well. I enjoyed ‘Clair de Lune’ quite a bit before it got engulfed by the Twilight virus.

So, the final chapter of these silly movies has come with ‘Breaking Dawn‘. That book disturbed me enormously. Too many levels to go into on that. I’m sure I’ve managed to infuriate just about every Twilight groupie in existence, but then again, weasels are very good at that sort of thing. So, let the drama commence!

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