Although I have to say right now it feels as if it’s in the middle of a demolition project. Lot of changes have happened for me, some good, some not so great. Some are downright terrifying.

I have to look for a new job, because I most likely will be moving by the end of this year. i am praying that I can find one that will provide me with enough income to survive on independently. I’m not exactly happy about it, but I also have no choice, really. I was told by some people to stop my blog because future employers will look up everything about you via the internet and use it in their decisions to hire, so what I’ve been writing would be detrimental to my chances of better employment. I think my blog is the only outlet I have left that speaks for me, and to kill it would be asking me to cut off my arm. It’s for my own good, they tell me.

i just don’t know what to think anymore. I’ve made some sad realizations, though. I don’t think I’m capable of living on my own.  I’m high functioning in a lot of ways, but some areas I can’t seem to be able to handle independently. If someone were to (gasp!) actually fall in love with me, they’d also be taking on the role of caretaker in many ways, because I can’t seem to be able to take care of myself in certain ways. Would they be willing to be shackled to an emotionally handicapped woman the rest of their lives? I don’t think most people could.

So. The house is going up for sale. I watch all of this with ever increasing anxiety because I have to get my resume in top shape, good enough that it will impress whoever I present it to that I am worth hiring. I’m making myself sick with worrying over it, scared that whatever changes I make will never be good enough. I cannot picture myself doing menial labor the rest of my life. I cannot see myself holding down some miserable retail slave position for time immemorial. This is what I’ve been doing recently, over the past month or so, having these nightmare scenarios run through my head nonstop.

I wouldn’t be living alone once I move. I’d be with one of my sisters, but I don’t know how long she could bear to have her older, incompetent sister with her for an extended period of time. I won’t live off her charity, or anyone else’s. I couldn’t put anyone through that kind of burden. I already feel like a parasite.

First time in my life where I have to face the cold hard reality of things. Yes, I am scared. I don’t want to screw it up, I don’t want to have to do it over and over until it’s right. I want to get it right from the start, because I can’t afford mistakes.

You have any ideas for someone like me? I’m at the end of my rope.

Advertisements