English: Sleeping Tabby Cat.

Image via Wikipedia

I think I have reached a point where I’d rather spend my time among pets than actual human beings. Pets do not stab you in the back, lie to your face, cheat on you, or gossip. The more I deal with people, the more they seem to be nothing but false advertising. They claim to be a friend, then dump you the moment you no longer interest them. Humans are so petty, small-minded, jealous, selfish, bigoted creatures. They love to hate anything and everyone that doesn’t fit into their worldview.

When my beloved tabby cat passed away, a part of my soul died with him, and I have never been able to recover from that loss, 6 years ago. He kept me sane, he was the one thing that kept me from falling completely apart, and when he was gone, I DID break down. I talked to him about everything in my life, how much it sucked, what a pathetic excuse of a human being I was. All he did was give a meow or a purr, gaze at me with those great big yellow eyes and the whole world felt more tolerable. He kept me company at night, when I’d spend half the night tossing around, unable to fall asleep. He’d start purring, and that sound would, without fail, ease me into sleep. I knew I could get through a lousy day of work, knowing he’d be at home waiting for me. After dealing with nasty, rude, unpleasnat people, I looked forward with joy to curling up on my bed with him, enjoying his presence. I could leave the ugliness of theo utside world and work behind, feeling completely safe with my cat.

Now he’s gone, and I am forced to make friends with people, because I HAVE to, not exactly because I want to. I have to make friends in order for me to stay where I am now, have a support network so I can function. No one wants to be friends with me and after reading this, maybe I don’t blame them. I’m not good enough for people, I don’t have piles of fancy degrees that would get me high-paying jobs, I’m not a technical or mathematical genius that would guarantee me a good job. People snub me because I’m weird, because I’m shy, because I don’t fit it anywhere. I’m not popular, I like being a non-conformist, I have (gasp) liberal and progressive views of society. I’m too ‘nice’ perhaps, as in I’m not cold-bloodedly analyzing everyone for their weaknesses in order to use them for my own gain. Sorry for the run-on sentence, but it was necessary.

There’s not enough kind people in the world, I think. Kindness and showing kindness has been looked down upon as a sign of weakness, a fatal flaw. Having a conscience is considered cowardly in this cut-throat society. Being an ‘animal-lover’ means you’re a gutless loser to many. It’s why I choose to avoid interacting with people, because they’re only going to screw you over when you no longer have any use for them. I don’t think ANYONE would bat an eyelash if I dropped dead in front of them. That’s how I feel. I have been used and abused by human beings that I no longer trust them to do anything. I don’t trust myself. I don’t see myself as a human being, because I was tormented so much as a kid that I was more of a freak than human. It’s a horrible way to think, and I know deep inside it’s not true, but it’s a hard concept to overcome.

I wish I could see my faith in people restored, that there  ARE good, wonderful, loving people in the world. I wish I could meet some of those people face to face. I want to be proven wrong, that all these terrible thoughts I have are something to be washed away. I want to believe there still is such a thing as love in humans for one another. An animal puts its life, its very being into your hands for its survival. Why can’t we do that for one another?