There is no fear, until we make it up.

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I haven’t written in over a month because of a certain issue that has been giving me a lot of grief lately. And has been, for many years now. Truth is, I’m at my wit’s end over how to deal with it, because I don’t seem to have much legal recourse.

I have a stalker. An online stalker, who has been following me around the internet for years now, who thinks he’s just trying to maintain old friendships. He thinks we’re best buddies, pals, amicable ex-lovers. He doesn’t get it. He has tracked down my e-mails, found me on Facebook, on Twitter (using various accounts), other social media outlets. I thought he would get the hint that my not replying to his letters, his messages and such would be enough for him to leave me alone. I begged the acquaintances I had before I moved to NOT tell him where I had gone, but he found me anyhow. Not long after being in my new home, I began getting letters from him. ‘Miss you’ cards, chummy letters about the ‘good old days’ when we were together. How he hasn’t seen anyone since breaking up with me. Some I read. Most I threw out in the trash.

Do you know what this does to someone? The kind of fear it plants inside, wondering when the letters become more than letters, become demands, finding your e-mail accounts hacked, gifts showing up unasked for on your steps? The latter hasn’t happened, not yet, but I dread that it will one day.

The letters came every couple of months, then maybe one a year. I thought it had stopped, until I began getting e-mails from him. It frightened me a lot at first, because I was wondering how he got hold of it. The downside of social media, of course. What was I supposed to do? Become a literal hermit? Cut off all ties with everyone, even delete this blog (which I had actually considered in order to keep him from contacting me)? I have every bloody right to be here, share my thoughts, have an online presence without having to be stalked by some loser who can’t let go of the past. I am not going to curl up and hide because of this; I shouldn’t be forced to hide because of this.

I had never been in ANY kind of relationship till him, never knew what I was getting myself into. I never had those kinds of ‘girl talks’ with friends or my mom. I was utterly clueless and it makes me wonder if my naievete was the reason why the relationship blew up the way it did. He still thinks he did absolutely NOTHING wrong. Oh, I must be a silly, hysterical female, looking to blow everything out of proportion, or that I’m a pathological liar, or any other number of reasons to blame ME for this mess, rather than the opposite.

I haven’t dated in years. I’m afraid to get close to any guy now, out of fear they’ll just try to abuse me for their own personal gratification. It has all but destroyed whatever sense of trust I ever had in people. I was plagued with nightmares of getting menacing letters, or being followed by cars, having people say they saw someone looking for me where I work. I even appealed to WordPress for help about this, but they’ve given me absolutely squat in terms of help or support. This is my last resort. If posting this doesn’t do the trick, I don’t know what will. I fear he will seek retribution by smearing me online, making up ugly lies about me, posting pictures to destroy my reputation, anything to get revenge. It left me so enraged I was nearly hysterical.

So, there you have it. No one should have to go through this kind of garbage. No one should have to live in fear of someone they don’t love and want out of their lives. I want my life back, free of those who would keep me under their foot through intimidation. Enough is enough.

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